Theaters... And why they should require taser-carrying ushers

Whatever happened to ushers at movie theaters? Was there a collective decision made by people that its a BAD thing to stand around in a dark room making minimum wage, all the while bitching at people to shut up?

They need to bring them back, and give them tasers. Whenever some obnoxious dumbass opens their mouth, ZAP! Thousands of watts of electricity sent through their body inducing a state of paralysis.

And now, the point:

I rarely go to movies. And if you'd bothered checking my profile (or, god forbid, actually know me), you'd see that my primary interest is filmmaking. You'd think an amateur filmmaker who claims to be non-elitist (holy hell!! They exist!!) would venture out to a theater more often.

So why don't I?

My theater has two problems: Low volume (come on, it's a theater; blast it), and it's located in a town where the average joe has little/no attention span. Most people here can't, for lack of a better term, shut the fuck up. Most of the time I can overlook the first problem. However, after my last adventure, I may just wait until whatever it is I want to see hits DVD.

I went to see The Manchurian Candidate. It was enjoyable, as a movie. As an experience, it blew. Here's why:

There's a few types of people that love attending movies who should be shot: The chatty old women; Yes, that's the one guy from that one movie, and no, its not ok to spend 5 minutes trying to think of his name, people who think they're either in the movie, or that the actors can somehow hear them; "Hey, don't do it!", "Its ok, they can't see you", "Ok, I see, I get it", or any of a number of ridiculous reactions to what occurs on the screen; and the "rebel"; the kid who thinks they're cool/hardcore/unique for saying aloud whatever is the exact opposite reaction of what the filmmakers intended you to have.

I put up with types one and three at this movie... Two old women sat behind me, and a moronic freshman sat a couple rows ahead of me. Let's start with type 1...

I always figured old people, usually being senile, are far more likely to attend simple movies. Romantic comedies, "dramatic" finding oneself movies, and anything involving Kevin Costner. Something like The Manchurian Candidate, despite being a remake of a Frank Sinatra film (and most of his big fans are dead/in a nursing home, or have no interest in decent movies), should put them off. Nevertheless, behind me sat two old women who should be at whatever Julia Roberts has crapped out lately. First they tried to figure out who Liev Schriber was ("oh, him..." "what's his name?" "I don't remember"), then anytime the setting shifted they'd open up a brief conversation on what just happened.

What is so damned important that it can't wait at least until the end credits come up? Look, I know you're old and time is especially short for you, but I bet you'll make it out of the theater.

And then there's the pathetic bastard who thinks he's some sort of "rebel" for dramatizing an opposite reaction to the emotional content of the film. For example, the first time an important character dies in the movie, this kid clapped. Annoying, but... Whatever. Second time somebody dies, he exclaims "Haha! She died!". I wanted to smack him.

I'm not the most emotionally attached person; I have a small collection of ogrish videos that I can watch without flinching whatsoever (and if you've ever seen somebody screaming as their throat is being cut away 3 feet from the camera, you'd know that's not a normal reaction). That being said, nobody gives two donkey shits what your reaction is to a particularly emotional part of a movie. Clap, make stupid retorts, the only thing people around you are thinking is "Die." It's a lot like the whole goth culture (oxymoron, since none of them are actually gothic). If you dress in black with dark makeup smeared aimlessly around your ugly mug, claiming to be a poet because you can form a couple depressing sentences, all the while listening to nu-metal or HIM, nobody thinks you're cool. Trust me, nobody is secretly thinking "ooh, they're mysterious and different!". Its more like "Wither away and die, scum".

Attention whores should be shot.


^Look ma, irony!

OMG!!! A GIRL!!! AND SHE PLAYS VIDEO GAMES!!! OMG!!!

G4TechTv. Great channel. One devoted entirely to the world of technology. Aside from the mind-bendingly bad shows recently brought over from the now defunct G4 channel (why they couldn't STAY dead is beyond me; small children with down syndrome can write better comedy), it's quality programming all around. Especially XPlay, my second favorite half hour on the network (Unscrewed being first).

If this blog were being written by the average viewer under 16, this is the point where they'd start drooling and hyperventilating about how amazingly hot the co-host of the show, Morgan Webb, is.

Thank your lucky stars its not.

Don't watch XPlay? Here's what she looks like. Now I'm all for everybody having an opinion on what's attractive and what isn't, and Morgan Webb is by no means ugly, but is that really something that should inspire mindless obsession? No, no it isn't.

Don't believe that people would obsess over that? Hey, neither did I until almost exactly a year ago...

I decided I'd take this class in school last year, Cisco, which is all about computer networking and the various complexities thereof. It's also a damn hard class and I dropped it despite passing 2 (of the 4) semesters with flying colors. But had I not taken it, I would not have had the pleasure of meeting a certain person with an astounding (and truly sad) obsession over Morgan Webb. Almost everyday, he'd log onto the same website, which can be found here (sort of half working by the looks of it, but you get the idea).

That's right, a website devoted to an average looking, female TV show co-host's hair. Her HAIR. How pathetic do you have to be to actually block out the thought that "I'm obsessing over the hair of a girl that I do not, nor will ever know, and if she ever looked at me she'd pity my poor existence"? And then there's the fact that I recently saw this kid with a t-shirt that says "I love Morgan Webb"...

It's not that there's an above average looking girl hosting a TV show. No, that's pretty much a standard for any network. It's the fact that she's on a show about video games: Something seen as a male dominated hobby. And anytime a girl shows up in such a place they're worshipped for no other conceivable reason than they don't have a dick. Forget other basic human traits, like a good personality, intelligence, etc; They could be spouting off "OMG!! I PWND J00 HARD!!" and they're still treated like a goddess.

Ever been to a forum? Hell, I moderate at one and its the exact same thing. Female member signs up, and 95% of the male members hit on them. And for what? The slim chance that somewhere down the road you'll have a fake online relationship? Or oooooh, better yet, e-sex! w00t!

Speaking of forums, I just checked out XPlay's. Obviously, there's a huge thread dedicated to Morgan Webb. And reading through it, I'm beginning to wonder if some people realize how television shows work with all the comments about "ooh, she's got a nice personality", "I love her wit", "Her sarcasm is my favorite", etc.

There's these amazing devices called teleprompters. Now you see, what these things do (and here comes the crazy part), is they scroll the lines that the personality on screen is supposed to say aloud. Oh, and get this, they were written by someone else who gets paid to write! Incredible, I know. So basically, the only thing you can give Morgan credit for without actually knowing her is that she's quite skilled as a television personality. Other than that, well...

You know that stereotype back in the 80's that anyone involved with computers is a social low life that has a heart attack anytime a girl talks to them? It may be dead, but the type of people who caused it certainly didn't go with it.

A filter for the gene pool?

If you've ever been to totse, you know that there's an abundance of really, really stupid (and crazy) people out there. A solid number of them are frequent posters on the forums but, occasionally, you see members with some intelligence.

So anyways, I'm browsing the forums as I do almost daily when I stumble across what's easily the best thread I've read in a good year there (whether or not its true is somewhat debatable, but I believe it). Check it out here: http://www.totse.com/bbs/Forum3/HTML/035896.html.

Basically, this member (the gender of whom I'm not sure of, so bare with me) convinces a kid over an IM conversation that he/she's sorry for bullying him, and, knowing he's really into drugs (and not terribly bright), offers a suggestion: Spray raid into a bag and inhale for an amazing high. This kid says his mom won't be home for a few hours, so he goes and finds some, and then logs off to try. After awhile, he doesn't get back on. So the totse member calls his house, and gets no answer. He/she waits until the kid's mom comes home, calls again, and lo and behold: The kid is in a state of paralysis (except for one arm) and lacks the ability to speak. Sirens are heard later on...

Now, if you possess any intelligence whatsoever you'd know that inhaling something as poisonous as Raid is, well, a very bad idea. Obviously this kid was more than a bit shy of being smart. But it got me thinking... Here's stupidity in its purest form: Inhaling poisonous chemicals on purpose. Do you want this person reproducing? Or, for that matter, anybody that's reached the age of 15 and still lacks the very basic knowledge that toxins = owy? I know I don't. God knows how many more idiotic things they could do in their life, including harming others. Hell, they might even end up president. And we all know what happens when incredibly stupid people end up leading a nation... Countries in the Middle East get invaded.

And that's not much smarter than huffing Raid.