The burden of goodbye

I'm taking a moment out of the usual again (I'll try not to make this a habit) ranting/mockery for something entirely serious, so bear with me...

Yesterday something quite tragic and unbelievable happened: Mr. Groff (our high school English teacher) was killed in a car accident.

If it had been anybody else I wouldn't bother posting anything here. But Groff was different. Damn near everybody loved him and his classes. Not because they were easy, and not because your daily work was limited. It was because he made it fun. It sounds like a cliche, making learning fun. But Groff did it. He gave you a reason everyday to want to come to school. I had exactly one semester with him and never have I laughed so hard inside a classroom, while in the same period of time learned so much. He could stand there, talk for an hour straight, and not once would you feel bored. I looked forward to his lectures/notes, no matter what the topic was, because it was always hilarious and usually thought-provoking.

I'd be lying if I said he taught me everything I know about writing, and I can't stand when people patronize the dead for something they clearly didn't do. But if Groff hadn't arrived when he did, at a time when I had just finished 3 straight and fairly boring stories for short films, I may have lost interest in writing. He encouraged your writing, no matter if it was bound to offend somebody, so long as you were being honest. His class made me realize that it's something you should have fun with, and it's not always to be taken seriously.

Groff wasn't a teacher to most people, though he may have "taught" them. He was a friend. I've never known any "teacher" who could just stand around with a group of students at lunch break, crack jokes, and make the lot of them laugh their asses off. He was a big kid, he really was (another cliche, but it's so true). Hell, he even got a kick out of this site and encouraged me to write more here.

It was so unexpected you don't know what to say or quite how to feel. I sat in the auditorium (possibly the only intelligent thing our principal has done all year was NOT announcing it over the PA system) amid the dead silence of 190 or so kids, and there was a moment where I tried to wake myself up. It didn't feel real. And once it sinks in you look for something to blame, someone to point a finger at, but you can't. Life is full of random events, and every so often one will be a horrible twist on reality.

Every interaction you have with people dictates their feelings towards you. It's so obvious that half the population doesn't realize it. Groff did. He cared about his students, and always greeted my classmates and me if we passed by in the hall or anywhere else in town. It's such a small, subtle gesture that we all take for granted until we're given the benefit of hindsight.

We never took Groff for granted, and we'll never forget the good times we had with him.

RIP,
Eric Groff.

Seeya on the other side.

Pointless additional features... Check.

If you look over to the right, just above the two image links on the side bar, there is a link to a forum.

I decided comments under individual topics are fine, but for broader discussions (complaints) regarding the site or anything else, I figured: meh, why not? It's free.

You can post anonymously or register. Check it out for slightly more details.

Fun with a scam artist!

This has been sitting around for a couple months, but I figured I could post it here. Back in October one of those Nigerian scams (more info on them here) was sent to my parents. Being the kind-hearted person I am, I referred “Dave” to my email address instead. His responses aren’t especially interesting, but my messages should prove entertaining. While i've deleted his email and site addresses, all spelling and grammatical errors are his own.

So kick back and enjoy (this is quite lengthy). We start with the original message:

SIR DAVID THOMPSON:
NO 33 ADELAO ODEKU STREET,
VICTORIA ISLAND.
LAGOS.
CONFIDENTIAL EMAIL: [deleted]
Homepage : [deleted]

Dear Associate,
Compliments of the season. It is indeed my pleasure to write to you this letter, which I believe will be a suprise, as we are both complete strangers. I am Sir David Thompson an accountant. I am the personal accountant to Late Ms. S. Marufu, MARUFU CONSULT INTERNATIONAL, who who perished in Egypt air Flight 990 with the whole passengers aboard on 31st Oct 1999.
(http://www.greatdreams.com/PassEAir990.htm)
Before her death on the 31st oct 1999 my client {Late Ms. S. Marufu} as she likes to be addressed, who was a one time secret agent in transfering of money overseas for the Late head of state of Nigeria Late Gen.Sani Abacha deposited the sum of USD$6.5m [Six million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars] in a Bank in here for herself, with the hope of transferring it to his country as soon as she is on leave.
Since her death I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful. I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this huge deposits were lodged. Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had a deposit valued at about USD$6.5m [Six million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars] has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confisicated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the the relatives for over 3years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at USD$6.5m [Six million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars] can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money.
There are necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement
that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Please get in touch with me through my confidential email address as thus: [deleted] to enable us discuss further. Don't forget to include your tel/fax numbers and your contact address while replying this mail for easy
communication.
Best Regards,
SIR DAVID THOMPSON.

Date: Thu, 14 Oct 2004 19:57:12 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: “David Thompson”

Hi!

First of all, I must apologize for the slight inconvenience, but my other email account has not been working properly lately. Your email (attached at the bottom of this message, in case you forgot who I was), which I am immensely fascinated with, made it to me through what was obviously divine intervention!

Please respond to this address if you are still interested in making this deal happen, and my current situation doesn't complicate things. I could really use a cool 6.5 mil. I mean, its like they expect you to be a damn millionaire to buy good acid these days...

From: "David Thompson”
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 14:45:44 +0800
Subject: RE: MY DEAR

Dear Chris Balboni,

Please, find below the application form for account closure. Copy, fill and send it to the bank via email. Email address: [deleted]. This is to notify the bank of your intension to close this account as the next of kin and the beneficiary of the money left behind by late Ms S. Marufu. Do forward this application to the bank immediately.

Time is of essence to this transaction. As soon as this application is sent do notify me.

God Bless Us All.
Sincerely
Barrister David Thompson

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 15:58:27 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson”

Hi again!

Out of sheer boredom and complete lack of a social life (after all, where I live, the only things to do are bang sheep and get trashed), I went back and re-read your first email before I filled out the application. I was a bit puzzled by the following line:

"Six million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money."

I'd love to share the money with you, but i'd like to know something about you before hand... I mean, i'm not just going to GIVE OUT money to people I barely know!

So tell me, what're you like? Do you enjoy a good romp through the park decked out in camouflage all the while shouting "Charlie in the trees!!!" as I do? Maybe you enjoy flogging a dead wildebeest occasionally, as I hear that's quite popular over yonder. What floats your proverbial boat? Just tell me something about yourself, and if I like what I see i'll fill out the application immediately.

As you said, time is of the essence. And it’s been almost two weeks since my last good trip so i'm kinda flaky right around now. There's just something calming about schizophrenic manatees from Alpha Centauri talking to me about the complexities of quantum theory. Its like... well, you know what I mean.

I'll be eagerly awaiting your reply!

- Chris

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 2004 19:55:40 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson"

Sup Dave!

I haven't heard back from you in quite some time. This was beginning to worry me, so I sent off the application DESPITE you not getting back to me with info about yourself [*]. It has all my info in the correct places, except I don't have a fax so I didn't bother with that particular field. That, and my imaginary fax machine is broken.

I'm serious, this whole week of acid-deprivation is causing a plethora of problems! Not only is my fax broke, but my friend Steve just up and disappeared, which sucks because I loved talking to Steve. Although i'm not sure my "real" friends liked me doing so... Maybe it's because he's an Ethiopian and they're all racist pigs, but I think it's more because they're jealous he's invisible. Plus, my pet llama was eaten by a cactus this afternoon! That really sent me into a rage. I'll hunt that bastard overgrown plant to the ends of the earth if I have to, but he'll pay. Oh, he'll PAY!!!!

So anyways, get back to me ASAP once you've confirmed my papers are in order. I'm very anxious to make this deal happen.

* = I didn't actually send him anything.

From: "David Thompson"
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 15:44:53 +0800
Subject: RE: MY DEAR

Chris,

I can not understand what actually you are talking about.

Call me on 234-8033888029 or let me have your telephone number.

Thanks

Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 14:58:54 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson”

Dave, my main man!

Well hey, I may be clinically insane, but i'm quite sure I was very clear when I said I had emailed you my application with the appropriate info (sans the fax number; i'm working on fixing my machine but my imagination has been a pain in the ass lately) to the email address you specified.

As for the phone number, well... I don't own a phone per say. I prefer to speak only through email and telepathy to most people. I reserve "vocal" communications for conversations with my food and various wildlife (squirrels, birds, badgers, etc.), so that kinda puts a damper on your idea I guess.

Although I do I hope your speaking abilities are better than your typing abilities, which are somewhat akin to a six year old retarded quadriplegic's. But absolutely no offense intended!

So what's the status on my application? Didn't you receive it? I'm anxiously awaiting your broken english...

- Chris (some call me... Snowflake)

Date: Fri, 5 Nov 2004 19:33:33 -0800 (PST)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson"

Dude, Dave!

You haven't contacted me in days...

Where the hell are you? Please respond. I'm still anxious to get this deal done.

- Die Schnee Flocke (Aka, Chris)

Date: Sun, 14 Nov 2004 19:44:38 -0800 (PST)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To:"David Thompson”

Dave,

You have not responded to me in many days. I'm worried about your well being, and our deal. Please contact me as soon as possible so we can get this done.

I've worked out some of my more severe mental issues, so my messages should be more intelligiable now. I promise!

- Chris.

From: "David Thompson"
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 2004 13:28:57 +0800
Subject: RE: MY DEAR

Dear Chris,

Please call me on 234 8033888029[*]

Thanks
David Thompson

* = These numbers are a scam as well. They're long distance numbers that you can't hang up on. Not quite sure of the details, but i'd advise against dialing them (no shit, eh?)

Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 19:22:28 -0800 (PST)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson"

Dave, my main man!

You're alive! I'm so happy I could... Well, we won't even go there. Anyways, I explained quite clearly earlier that, for very logical reasons, I do not own a phone.

Come on Dave, work with me here! And what happened to the application I sent? Shall I resend that bugger? It's no trouble, but I would like to know if you received the first one.

Thanks again!

- Die Schnee Flocke (Aka, Chris)

P.S. I must apologize for my earlier, slightly insane messages. As I said, my acid supply ran dry and I was a bit nutty. Alas, all is well! I beat the hell out of a hobo and grabbed his stash, so I should be good for a couple weeks.

From: "David Thompson"
Date: Thu, 25 Nov 2004 14:38:19 +0800
Subject: RE: MY DEAR

Dear Chris,

I got your mail. Please resend the application to the bank through there email address “[deleted]”

Thank you.
David Thompson

Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson"

Yo Dave!

I just sent my application to the email you specified. However, I must point out two things: One, my real name is actually Gelb Schnee Flocke. My brother/dad (kinda depends on how you look at it) was a German underwater hydrochemist, and I use the name "Chris" because, well, you just don't run around calling yourself Gelb. Thus, I used "Gelb Schnee Flocke" on my application.

And two, won't I need to provide my bank account number? I'm more than happy to give you that, just like i'm more than happy to give friends and coworkers syphilis!

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there's any sort of problem or questions regarding my application!

- Gelb S. Flocke (aka "Chris”)

[The following was a template Dave sent me with blanks for my personal info, which I filled out accordingly.]

APPLICATION FOR ACCOUNT CLOSURE =========================================

I hereby apply for the closure of Account No.10009000016459 belonging to late Ms. S. Marufu. I am the next of kin to the above aforementioned name and the beneficiary of the funds with the account Number stated above.

I am requesting that Account No. 10009000016459 be closed and the funds transferred to me.

Full name: Gelb Schnee Flocke

Address: Sub-level 8, Forward Area U.N. Facility, Yaak, MT.

Profession: Thermonuclear gynecologist

Age: 42

Telephone: N/A

Fax: N/A

I will be grateful if this application is granted. Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

Gelb S. Flocke (Beneficiary/Next of Kin to Late Ms. S. Marufu)

Haven’t bothered taking it any further since I pretty much give away that I’m messing with him in my application (and it's been several months). It's fun to note, though, that people have fallen victim to scams just like the above and lost tens of thousands of dollars in the process. And yes, if I knew any i'd be more than happy to mock them here.

I would like to acknowledge www.thespamletters.com, not only for the sheer brilliance of his replies, but since they served as an inspiration (read: I ripped it off). If you liked the stuff above then definately check that site out; he gets some amazing replies out of the scammers (including threats of voodoo).